they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
