Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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