you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
