I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
