Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
birth control should be required to get into college
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
