I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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