who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
