wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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