I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
They took my balls.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
