My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
