just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
