i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
