Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
