I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
