Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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