i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
