the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
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My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
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there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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