dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
