i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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