I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
