no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize