i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
