my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
