I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
