Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize