so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
