Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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