Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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