So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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