I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
