You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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