how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
