Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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