i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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