let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
