I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
