That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Even my vagina gasped.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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