they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
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His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
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He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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