Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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