just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
