Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
