i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
