Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Randomize
