my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
my being single is dangerous.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
