She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
