oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
worst night to have a conscience
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
