Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
