Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
