I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
