Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
