I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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