guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
