He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
