Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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